Shadow of the Flames
by ninemelodies
Summary: For some reason, Axel's boyfriends keep disappearing. He swears it's not his fault, but something in the shadow of the flames is making him doubt himself.
There was a click, a mechanical whirring, and then a voice. "Okay Axel, welcome to Allegiance." The doctor, a dark haired man with a warm aura, let go of the page on his clipboard and looked at Axel, who was laying on a couch across the room, nonchalantly toying with a strand of hair. "Since you're new here, I'm going to brief you on the procedures of our sessions here. First," the doctor held up a finger, "Anything you say here is confidential. I _legally_ cannot share it with anyone _unless_ I belief that it is vital to keeping you safe." The doctor held up another finger, "Second, I am going to record all our sessions on this recorder, so that you, or I, cannot be misquoted if something from our sessions ever needs to be used for an investigation or some other legal matter." The doctor held up one more finger and took a deep breath. "Lastly, these sessions are not timed. I will not let you leave until I feel we have made some semblance of progress. If they continue too long, I will have lunch and or dinner delivered to us." The doctor put down all fingers and crossed his arms on his desk. "Axel, do you understand?"

Axel nodded.

"Do you have any questions?"

Axel remained silent.

"Good. You may begin anywhere you please, but I suggest to all my patients that they start at the beginning of whatever circumstances led them to being here, leading up to the events right before they were admitted to Allegiance." Finished speaking, the doctor leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his belly. "You may begin now…" As an afterthought, the doctor added, "Try to speak clearly, please."

Axel didn't speak for several minutes, and neither did the doctor. Finally, Axel sighed and it looked like he was collecting all the skeletons from his closet and piling on his back. The weight appeared to be crushing. "So, you want to know my story? Fine, but it's not a pretty one… I guess it started with Isa, back in highschool…"

* * *

Isa was the new kid on the block, and with striking blue hair, he certainly stood out against the backdrop of uniform white houses. He was a splash of color in Axel's otherwise boring neighborhood, much like Axel himself. Isa wasn't as wild as Axel, but regardless, Axel liked Isa immediately. It took Isa several days to decide that he liked the fiery redhead as well.

That was sixth grade, and by freshman year, they were known as the duo of terror. Where Axel was causing trouble, Isa could be found either controlling the damage or sometimes, helping cause more damage. Axel was the storm, and Isa was the calm. Everyone almost believed that they were truly brothers, and so when the rumor of them being together spread all over school, it shocked several people and caused even more fights. Axel finished them all, and Isa made sure that his boyfriend never once saw the inside of the school suspension building.

By sophomore year, Axel had calmed some, whereas Isa had picked up some of Axel's more aggressive tendencies. Axel was worried. He was watching his friend, his boyfriend, turn into someone he didn't recognize. When it was revealed that Isa had joined a cult, a huge fight ensued, and the entire school knew about. Isa was sent home with a busted lip and a black eye, and Axel was sent home missing hair and several teeth.

They made up the next day, but Axel never really forgive Isa. In secret, he made a promise that he would get Isa out of the cult that had sucked him in.

In their junior year, Isa had changed his name to Saix and declared that he was reborn. Axel knew that the cult brainwashing was complete, and it tore his heart to shreds as he watched his boyfriend drift further and further away from him.

Axel finally decided to do something about it when he caught Isa hanging off the arm of silver haired corporate man. The man had declared that he was Xemnas, and somehow Axel knew that he was the leader of the cult that had taken Isa away from him.

The next day five people, all confirmed to be in the same cult as Isa, were found dead, Xemnas among them. Isa had vanished that very same night. Back then, Axel had no idea what had happened to Isa, but he knew that it had something to do with all the cult members that had been found murdered. Even though he wasn't very religious, Axel prayed for Isa's safety every night.

Axel finally forgot all about Isa in his senior year, three months after Isa's family had moved out of town. The further the memory of the blue haired boy from his street slipped from his mind, the more his prayers petered out until eventually, they stopped altogether.

* * *

When Axel resurfaced from his high school memories it was about noon. He had passed three hours just talking about his past. He noticed there was a tray with a sandwich and water on the table in front of him, and he ate its contents greedily. Still sucking the remnants of sandwich from his teeth, Axel began to talk again. "I guess you know what happened to Isa, right?" Axel waved a hand in the direction of a thick file sitting on the doctor's desk. "It's all in that file there on your desk, right?"

The doctor nodded. "I want to hear you say it though. You have to accept what you did."

As soon as the words left the doctor's mouth, Axel reacted violently. He bolted up right, yelling, "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" He slammed his hands on the table and hunched over, hiding his face from the doctor. "I didn't do anything," Axel whispered. It became a sort of chant, his mantra until he could calm down and slump back into the couch.

During all of this, the doctor didn't react at all. He watched impassively as Axel calmed himself back down. "Are you ready to continue?"

"The next one was Roxas, in college…" Axel took another deep breath before launching back into his story.

* * *

Roxas was known as the campus spitfire. Axel could tell why, the guy was blond, short, and full of bad attitude. And, as luck would have it, he was Axel's roommate. Secretly, Axel couldn't decide whether fate hated him or loved him because as much of a thorn as Roxas was, he was pretty cute. Axel found it exceptionally cute when Roxas would snore in his sleep. In defense of his life, he never actually told Roxas that.

As smooth as he believed himself to be, it still took Axel two months, $37.50, and a bunch of sea-salt ice cream to actually get Roxas to let down his guard. Turns out, Roxas was just bullied as a kid, and building a tough exterior was the only was he knew of preventing it from happening again. Axel didn't tell Roxas that, in high school, he had been a bully. The same kind that used to torment Roxas on the school playground.

A week before Christmas break, Axel decided that he had been through quite enough college without quite enough alcohol. Using his various connections, namely, his older brother Reno, he managed to score two bottles of vodka and quite a lot of things to mix it with. By the time the first bottle was empty, Axel was buzzed and he was pretty sure Roxas was drunk. When the second bottle was empty, Axel's fuzzy brain was absolutely positive that they were both smashed to oblivion.

Roxas had gotten quiet about halfway through the second bottle, and drunk Axel was having absolutely nothing to do with that. So he began to mess with Roxas, hoping to get some sort of response from him. One of those tactics was to lean uncomfortably close to Roxas's face, just to see if the blond would flich. Axel wasn't expecting a set of warm, vodka coated lips to cover his own. It had taken him two months to earn friendship, and an entire semester to earn an accidental-but-not-quite-unpleasant drunk kiss.

Their relation, though it started off rocky, lasted well after college. They bought an apartment together, adopted two cats, and were almost considering adopting a kid when everything went bad. They got into a bad argument over something trivial and stupid, that led to Roxas storming out and never coming back.

Axel let the weight of rent and bills fall fully on his back as the grief set in. And for the first time since high school, he prayed. However, just like Isa, the grief and the memories began to slip from his mind and once again, his prayers stopped without any warning.

* * *

Not realizing he had closed them, Axel let his eyes slid open, squinting as they adjusted to the lighting in the doctor's office. "I won't even ask if you know what happened to Roxas. I never did find out." He turned to stare at the doctor. "Just like Isa, he vanished, and I was never given closure."

The doctor watched Axel calmly. After a few minutes he sighed. "Axel," he leaned forward, "I think you do know what happened to them, but something in your brain won't let you remember it. Or even admit that it could have been your fault."

Axel snorted. "That's bullshit. I don't deserve to be in here. I haven't done _anything._ " Arms crossed and back rigid, Axel continued. "I'm going to finish my story so that I can leave."

The doctor nodded and sat back in his chair.

On the other hand, Axel remained tense as he prepared to finish his story. With a voice full of melancholy, he began. "After Roxas was Demyx…"

* * *

He was several years out of college and several years into being a small business owner of a tourist trap shop off the coast when he first met Demyx. Demyx was surfer in town for the competition when he had wandered into Axel's store, looking for a small souvenir for his mom. Demyx was blond, tall, lanky, and extremely laid back. He had eyes the color of the ocean and hair the color of the sand. For some reason, Axel found it extremely funny to tease Demyx about being the ocean incarnate. Demyx didn't seem to mind.

Over the week that Demyx was in town, they became fast friends. Axel opened up to Demyx, told him about how he didn't really have friends, and that all his past friendships had ended up as broken relationships. Demyx just listened quietly and offered any comfort that he could.

Then the week was over, and Demyx had to leave to follow the surfing competition to another town, halfway across the country. Axel was devastated, and fell into a depressive state. He was expecting never to see Demyx again, so it was quite a surprise when Axel opened up his door one day to Demyx, in all his shorts and tanktop glory, standing on his front porch, soaking wet from the pouring rain.

No sooner had Axel let Demyx in did he begin grilling him about why he was back in town. Demyx laughed sheepishly and began fiddling with the bracelet on his wrist. When he tried to talk to Axel, he stuttered, but he told the truth. He had come back because he missed Axel. Touched, Axel agreed to let the blond be his roommate until the surfer decided he wanted to move.

Eventually rooming together turned into being together, and it was in those circumstances that they first kissed. Honestly, Axel wished he could say it was romantic, but Demyx had had no idea what to do and Axel had accidentally ended up with a bloody nose.

They were together for ten years before Axel's past finally caught up with him. He began to have doubts. He began to fear that one night, Demyx wouldn't come home from his night surfing escapades, and it would kill Axel. His fears eventually became a reality. Demyx didn't come home, but the strange thing was, even though he had been at home all night Axel could remember the smell of the beach at night and the glint of the full moon on the sand.

* * *

"I found sand in between my toes and underneath my fingernails…I just passed it off as living near a beach." Axel shrugged half-heartedly. "People always complain about how sand gets everywhere." Throughout his story, Axel had slowly relaxed until he was once again slumped back into the couch. Axel pulled himself up. "That's the end of the story, can I go now?"

The doctor remained silent.

"Is there something else you want from me?"

The doctor sighed. "We had hoped that by having you retell your story out loud you would realize, but it seems that I am going to have to tell you."

Axel's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. "Tell me what? That three of my boyfriend's went missing?"

"Axel, they were murdered." There, it was out. The doctor didn't sugar coat it, he just threw it out like a bone and let Axel do what he wanted with it. He didn't take the news well.

"What do you mean 'murdered'?" He leaned forward, eyes sparking dangerously. "By who? I'll burn the mother-fucker alive."

"You murdered them Axel."

The more Axel processed the accusation, the wider his eyes got. That wasn't true! He loved them, loved them all, how could he murder them? But there was something in the back of his mind, shoved and locked away into a dark corner until the doctors information unlocked the door. Images began to leak out, images of a burning flesh and hair and clothes, images of his hands, gripping a shovel, covering up the gleaming white of human bones. Worst of all, he could hear it all, hear their screams, and himself laughing maniacally in the background.

"Do you now see why you are here Axel?" The doctor had moved his hand to a button under his desk. Now that the information was out, there was no telling how Axel would react. "You're a murderer, but you never knew because you have split personality disorder. From what I can tell, you have since you were a kid."

Axel processed this information quietly.

"The other personality was triggered by your fear of being forgotten or left alone, so when your partners began to drift away or you began to fear that they had stopped loving you, you transitioned into that other personality and well... you know the rest."

Again, Axel said nothing.

"However, we can help you here. There is no cure, but treatment can help." The doctor began rifling through his desk for a flyer. "We have a very high success rate here. With our help, you can learn to better manage your other, more violent personality."

Preoccupied with searching through the drawer, the doctor never noticed the grin that spread across Axel's face. He didn't see Axel walk across the room. He never even noticed Axel had moved until he felt the cold metal of his heavy, expensive stapler pound into the back of his skull.


End file.
